It’s no secret: I can’t love plants to healthy living. Can’t keep the real deal alive long enough to celebrate even a half-birthday. Seriously, if you have plants that you secretly want to just die already, call me and I’ll come pick them up. I will gently ease them into the next life where they’re practically guaranteed a good slot because of the pain they endure at my hands even though I JUST WANT TO LOVE THEM. I have missed my true calling as either a plant mob boss or a plant hospice worker. Either way, the greens just don’t love me like I love them. It’s almost a travesty that I live in such a green place. It’s like I’m constantly being mocked, like, “I can take of myself better out here in the wild than you can take care of me.”
So, in the best interest of all the good green things, I have faux plants, and only one, lonely Christmas cactus that has somehow defied the odds and stayed alive and BLOOMED occasionally over the years. I’m fairly convinced it’s an Avenger or at least in league with the X-Men.
Here are 5 great options if you’re anything like me and you don’t want to re-traumatize yourself every time a plant dries and dies, or drowns and rots (both are my preferred methods of death).
Behold, my favorite fakos.
Ikea seriously has some cute (and cheap!) plants. Not all are created equal, but they have some surprisingly realistic choices, including this little guy.
I loooove succulents. They’re just so hardy (unless you have a particular knack, like me, of being able to kill all plants, no matter how robust they are). And, bonus, this one is just so dang tiny and cute that it can travel in your purse with you.
I purchased these for a client and they are SO PRETTY. I was temped to keep them for myself and put them in my hair or attach them to my clothes. They are soft and would be gorgeous in a pot or wreath.
These are just so funky and cool. If you mix them with one or two types of other plants, these drapy things give a nice touch.
5. Giant Boston
Had to have a fern in here because I live in the PNW. And they didn’t have any Oregon Ferns.
Well, hope that helps friends. And please tell me I’m not alone in my sad lack of gardening skills. At least the kids are alive. Perspective, people.